


what did it cost? everything.

by disorderedorder



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Deathfic, Established Relationship, F/M, Flashbacks, Force Bond (Star Wars), Heavy Angst, Infinity War-Inspired (but not a crossover), Severed Force Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 19:44:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14817722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disorderedorder/pseuds/disorderedorder
Summary: this is no place to die.





	what did it cost? everything.

**Author's Note:**

> from my dry spell emerges this infinity war inspired one-shot. please don't kill me. 
> 
> side note, the flashbacks are NOT in order, so if it's sort of confusing, it's meant to be sort of whiplash.

The air is thick, heavy, uncomfortably still. There are no birds chirping, no wind blowing through the trees, no dull hum in your ears. Chills run across your skin, the fabric of your cape draped over one shoulder a weight at your side, your armor suffocating. Something feels wrong, and when you look at him, you don’t see him, but you see the past, events that have already come to be.

* * *

 

_“How do I look?” he asks you, his tone laced with rare humor you’ve only heard a handful of times before. His clothing is grand, if a little lavish for a simple ceremony only meant to be shared between his Knights, you, and his master. The cape that drapes gracefully over his shoulders glitters gold against a velvety black, his black robes trimmed in the same dark golden color, his only adornment his saber at his side._

_“Take that ridiculous thing off,” you say, with a playful tug of his cape, which earns you a smile. His dark eyes regard you fondly, something beyond the friendship you have built together, and in the darkness of the temple, illuminated only by the ceremonial pyre before you, you can see the fire reflected in the pupils of his eyes. He looks like a king, not your friend, not the future Master of the Knights of Ren._

_“How do I look?” he asks, straightening his robes as he looks down. It’s the first time you’ve seen his truly nervous, unable to stand still, fidgeting with anything he can get his hands on. You place a hand over one of his, stilling his movements, and he looks back at you._

_“Like a king,” you answer honestly._

* * *

Now, those same eyes are filled with that same nervousness, but mixed with fear, anger, a combination you’ve never witnessed coming from him. He feels the change in atmosphere the way you do, and you can feel him in your mind, every lightning-quick emotion racing through his own, struggling to understand.

* * *

_“What were you thinking?” he demands, advancing towards you as he grabs one of your wrists in a vice grip. “You ran off, you went off-mission without telling me, you could have died!”_

_“I was saving you!” you argue, shoving him backwards as he glares down at you. “You were the one who decided we split into two groups instead of staying together like we were told! I was trying to reconvene like we’re meant to!”_

_His eyes blaze with frustration, exasperation at your outburst, and he grabs your saber from your belt, clipping it to his own. As he turns his back to you, the fabric of his clothes smacks you harshly across the legs, and it only serves to anger you more._

_“Give it back,” you snap, struggling to keep up with him as the Knights follow him out of the forest. “I need that!”_

_“No, you don’t,” he replies, infuriatingly calm. “You need more training is what you need.”_

_“Without me, you would be dead,” you protest. “And one day, you will be dead because you didn’t listen to me.”_  

* * *

 

“What’s wrong?” you ask, your voice breaking on the second word as you reach for your saber. “What is it, what’s going on?”

* * *

_The night is dark, cool, the air chilly on your arms as you watch the city of Canto Bight from a balcony. You feel exposed without your cape to cover you, naked without your weapon at your side. From the casino behind you, you feel the vibrations of the music, you hear the loud cheers of the crowds and the delicate clinking of glasses, the unmistakable clatter of coins. The silk of your dress is a stark contrast to the heavy robes you prefer, undeniably luxurious but leaving you completely out of your element._

_“You don’t like it?” he asks as he places one warm hand on your bare shoulder. “I thought you would like being off-ship for a mission.”_

_“It’s not something I’m used to,” you admit. “It’s beautiful, but something just feels off.”_

_“Nothing about this city is truly right. Even the people here know that.”_

_Like you, he’s dressed in formal wear, but instead of his usual black, he wears a suit of deep red, the color of blood, that hugs his muscular frame and gives him a little more color than usual. In his hand is a delicate wine glass that looks almost wrong, appearing almost too tiny for his size. He gives you a gentle half-smile, offers you the glass. You study the bubbling, topaz-colored drink inside for a moment before you take a sip and the bubbles burn your throat._

_“I hate it,” you say, finally. “We don’t belong here.”_

* * *

 “I don’t know,” he says, and you can hear how hard his heart is beating in your mind, how tense his muscles are. He looks worriedly at the sky, and back at you a few times, his brows drawn together in confusion. 

* * *

 

_“Will he be alright?” you ask the general, who stands still as a rail beside you. The bacta tank is illuminated by harsh, blue-white lights that bathe you all in an unnatural, too-bright glow._

_“His vitals are adequate,” the general replies. “The blade came millimeters away from causing serious damage to the eye, as well as the muscles of his neck and arm. He will live, I assure you.”_

_You place one hand on the icy cold transparisteel of the tank as you watch him, floating, hooked to countless tubes and needles, in a medically induced coma in order to properly heal him. Worry clouds your thoughts, but you ignore the tugging in your chest as you turn away from the tank._

_“You will not lose him so soon,” the general calls after you, as you leave the medical bay._

* * *

 

“Do you feel it?” you ask, but it’s a pointless question, because you know he knows.

“Yes,” he murmurs, and you can hear him struggling to keep his voice even. “I feel it as you do, Little One.”

* * *

 

_“Little One,” he says, and it’s the first time you ever heard him call you by that name. “What have I done so wrong in your eyes?”_

_He pleads with you silently, his hands extended towards you as though he expects you to run to him, like a homecoming, but you only feel hurt, betrayal, pain as you step away from him. You turn your head away, raising your sleeve to hide your face and to conceal your damp eyes as you begin your trek back to his command shuttle. The rough terrain of Crait scrapes against the soles of your boots, and the red of the surface now visible under its salt layer, scraped away by your steps, looks like blood._

_“You know what you’ve done,” you reply, loud enough for him to hear. Behind you, you can hear him catching up, his own footfalls heavy and rapid as he rejoins you by your side, like before. Your bond allows you to sense him reaching towards you without looking, and you pull away, fast enough to escape his hand that was reaching for your own._

_“No, don’t touch me,” you choke out, unable to hide the pain in your voice. “You can’t explain to me how you did what you did to me, not without denying you left me behind. You promised. You promised you never would.”_

_He stops, for once, silenced, and you whirl on him, something inside you finally snapping as you yell. “Was it worth it? Did you get what you wanted? Is this really what you planned on happening? Of course not, but you never would have thought ahead because you never do! You left me!”_

_“I never left you, Little One. I have always been right here,” he says, but even he sounds forced, as though he’s trying to convince himself as much as you._

_You shake your head, a bitter, harsh bark of a laugh escaping your lips, because if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. “I don’t know where you get your delusions, but you haven’t been here since you came back from Takodana,” you snap. “Not here with me.”_

* * *

 

“Something’s wrong,” you say, the worry in your tone increasing as your hands shake, dropping your saber on the ground as you feel a growing sense of dread. “Something’s happening, I can feel it.”

* * *

_“Come back to bed,” he murmurs gently, his arms a cocoon around your frame as he leans against your back, his chin resting on your shoulder. “It’s cold without you there.”_

_Outside the windows, the city of Coruscant is still alive, bright with nightlife, speeders passing by your apartment occasionally as the streets below glow golden-yellow. The sky is a dark curtain, dotted with stars, the moon above a single beacon of natural light. You close your eyes, feel the warmth of his skin against yours, his hands tracing your own as he kisses your neck._

_“Do you miss it?” you ask._

_“Do I miss what?” he replies, nuzzling your hair._

_“The Order. Or do you like being planetside?”_

_He hums, guiding you back to the nest of pillows and blankets in the lowered bed in the center of the room. Halfway there, he stoops to pick you up and carry you the rest of the way, and the kiss placed on your temple silences any protest you had before._

_“I don’t miss it,” he says as he places you in the nest. “Not in times like these.”_

_He climbs in after you, pulling you close again, and as he pets your hair, your worry fades with your consciousness._

* * *

 

He stoops to retrieve your saber, but as his knee touches the ground below you, he freezes, as though suspended in animation. His expression could almost be construed as pained, but there’s no strain, nothing behind it that suggests a physical agony.

“Come on,” you say, desperation edging into your tone. “Get up, we can’t stay. This is no place to die.”

Above you, the sound of thunder growls in the sky.

* * *

_The exchange of rings and a kiss is done by no means in a conventional setting between the two of you, in a small chapel on his late grandmother’s home planet, with no witnesses but the officiant. Normally, a ceremony of unity would be presided over by his master, the Knights, and the top-ranking officers of all the Order, but he had insisted on keeping the secret between the two of you and one witness._

_A sleek black band decorated only by a sparkling black diamond encircles your left ring finger, identical to his, and the kiss shared between you is short, but intimate. There is no celebration following your ceremony, no traditional wine cup to be shared between you, no cake, no dances. Your return trip back to the Supremacy is slated for the following morning, before the sun rises._

_“I love you,” you say, quietly enough for only him to hear._

_“I have always loved you,” he replies, the hand cupping your neck a familiar comfort, something that has always made you feel closer to him._

* * *

“Kylo, we need to go, we need to go now,” you insist, trying to pull him to his feet, but he’s frozen, locked into kneeling before you. Fear blooms in your chest as you feel his anxiety grow, his own fear eclipsing your own.

When he looks up at you, his dark eyes are filled with tears, but more than that, there is an apology, a silent begging for forgiveness. “I’m sorry, Little One,” he murmurs, reaching up for you.

You’re on your knees to meet his eye level in an instant, so quickly that you feel your knees bruising as soon as they hit the ground below you. Your hands shake as you cup his face, your thumbs wiping away the tears that fall from his eyes as your vision clouds with tears of your own.

“We need to get off this planet,” you say, suppressing a sob. “Don’t do this, we need to go. I don’t know what’s going on, but we need to leave.”

“You need to leave,” he says, and you shake your head.

“No, I’m not leaving you,” you insist, shaking your head. “I can’t leave you, and you can’t leave me here alone.”  
  
There’s a tearing sensation in your heart, something that feels too physical to be real, and the pain is so sudden and so jarring that your vision dances with black spots, but you force yourself to focus beyond that as you pull at him, your pleas becoming incoherent, childlike in their simplicity.

The fading is slow at first, and you’re not even fully aware he’s fading until you see the light behind his eyes going out, and by then, you’re grabbing at air, screaming, sobbing for him not to go. The pain is gone now, but you would prefer it over feeling the loss of his presence within you.

“No, don’t go, we have to leave, don’t leave me here,” you scream, but he’s nearly gone before he speaks for the last time.

“—love you,” he says, his voice barely audible.

Above you, the booming of thunder fades, as though it mocks you, and you scream helplessly at the sky, at the Force, at his Master for doing this to you, for forcing you apart. 

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: this is NOT a crossover, but rather an inspired/implied similar event happening in the Star Wars universe that happened in Infinity War. 
> 
> my [tumblr](http://supremeleaderdaddy.tumblr.com/). come yell at me.


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